The truth and nothing but the truth...

I have come to believe that there is a reason behind everything that happens inside of me. That modern medicine often only treats the symptoms, and not the causes. Adapting to this view has allowed me to recover from illness, symptoms have vanished, feelings have been healed, and I now feel more...whole, as a person. I never take the easy road and treat just the symptoms anymore, I bite the sour apple and go looking for the solution to the problem behind the symptom. The symptom is just a way for our bodies to make us listen when there is an imbalance in our system. This may be on an emotional, physical or mental frequency in our body.

Too often we don't bother trying to find the reason behind it all, because we're not used to think for ourselves. Simple as that. We're not used to taking a closer look at ourselves, understanding that everything starts in us, and that all the solutions are in us. Of course no one would do without modern medicine, neither would I. But in order to solve our issues, we have to take a risk. The risk of finding out that we are not perfect, ant that we never were supposed to be. At least not the way we think we're supposed to. It's the flaws that make us perfect. The fact that we have to constantly adjust to our surroundings, makes this a little more exciting. If we dare to stare at the blackest parts of our soul, then we can discover the brightest parts of ourselves. Without darkness there is no light.





Fear is what keeps us from reaching our potential most of the times. I will bet you that every single one of us has 10, if not 100 times more potential than we dare to imagine ourselves. Fear is what makes most of the darkness inside us, and fear can easily be beaten. It may take some effort, but fear is always an illusion. We can NEVER know for sure what is going to happen next, but we often imagine the worst. Why not the best? We attract what we focus our attention on, so if you suspect the worst, well there you have it. Fear grows on fear. It may consume you as a person if you let it. But it is always an illusion that has not yet turned into reality.




If you one day decide that you are sick of being controlled by fear and "worst case scenarios", then you may take a good look at your self in the mirror. Do you honestly believe that you were put on this earth to suffer? To be limited as a person your whole life? To always being scared and never believing that you are worth the very best there is? The old saying that "You have to love yourself before you can be loved by others", is true. If you can learn to love yourself, and be your own best friend, then I promise you, everything will be easier. Every day will seem lighter, and you will learn how to make a dark night turn into a bright morning. Because if you just feel the difference once, you know how good life can be. And is supposed to be!






So back to the beginning, it may start off with just a simple headache. Insted of taking that Aspirine as you're used to, you can ask yourself why this headache always haunts you. In which situations does it appear, after eating, sleeping little, arguing with your boyfriend? Change the reason, and erase the symptom. It's a matter of empowering yourself. Cause if you have the power to think for yourself, find the reason, and then change the way you cause that symptom to appear, then you have the power to be free. The power to change your life for the better, the power to take control yourself, and not be a victim to outer influences and Aspirine. I dare you to take control of your own life.




All of this has led me to another question. When there is a reason behind all that happens inside of us, is there a reason behind what happens outside of us? The events that occur in the world, our lives, why we were born and where and when? Do we have a destiny, or are we really in charge of where our lives go? Is it true that when we "find ourselves", we step onto that pathway we were always meant to walk on? Or did we make ourselves a totally new one? Is there any plan? I can't help thinking in bigger scales when I apply this theory to my self. Are there any Gods? A God? Are we alone in the universe? Will we ever see "others"? Why are there so many things we cannot explain, that seems to have its purpose none the less? Are we meant to find other planets to live on, after we have destroyed our own? Cause that's what we all are thinking, and especially the scientists. Terraforming Mars and so on. That must mean that in a not so distant future, they expect Earth to loose the battle against its inhabitants. Or what? We're not running out of solar power just yet, so that can't be it.





Is this perhaps our chance to look at ourselves as a collective, pointing the finger at our own nose and taking that scary look in the mirror? It's not just happening in our bodies, it's happening in the world as well. We take that Aspirine, and forget there was ever a problem. And we search for a new home because we don't really want to solve the problems we have in our own. Just take the discussions around pollution, they're being handled ridiculous by most people. People don't want to give up their comfort, so they try to irrationalize it into "someone elses problem". Why can't we instead acknowledge that we live on a planet that will die if we are not being wise about it? You don't have to be a Treehugging Hippie to be smart, and to care. If we did not have this planet, we would not be here. Simple as that. I hope that more and more people will open their eyes and realize that we have to be honest. With ourselves, and with each other. When we clear the clutter within, we can help clear the clutter outside.

So I guess my conclusion to this long chain of thoughts is, dare to really look within your self - and then dare to really look around you. Don't just ignore everything and hope someone else will fix it for you. Or fix you. My mother always says, "Do the job yourself if you want to ensure it's done right". Think for yourself. Don't be a sheep your whole life, and then complain about how life never went your way. It's your life. Don't lay your life in the hands of other, instead make a decision that you are going to be in charge. Today.

Småkleine vers vs.bleik emo-kid anno 2008

"You made me stop and stay
 Mute, didn't know what to say
 Lighted my darkness
 Made hell turn day

Then you pulled back
 Told me there was no other way
 Still, I don't know what to say
 But I'll be waiting for that pearly day

When you realize love ain't lost
 Come what may
 Unlike her
 I was prepared to stay
 Knew it all, still I was never afraid

 You try hard to be like old pops
 Making sure he never becomes a shade
 Ease up, hey
 You're the best he and your mama ever made
 You will never fade."
 

"What you can do with your touch
 Can free every slave on earth

 If you could just see the real me
 If you could just read my mind
 That would be great

 I'm such a coward
 Biggest there is

 Afraid of love and loneliness
 All because of my fears

 It's time I get my shining years as well
 Every soul on earth has its mate
 It seems mine just is a bit late

 Sadest part is
 I don't know who you are yet
 But I know my self by now
 I'll just screw it up again
 That's just how it is

 Afraid of love and loneliness
 Is this all there is?"

"You're so fucking beautiful
 I try hard not to stare
 Lookin'  like some Legolas
 'Just cut off his hair

 You and all your makeup
 You don't really need it
 But when I see you in your element
 I keep thinking, this is it
 
 This is my guy
 Just doesn't know it yet
 A lovely piece of work
 I'll tell you that

 Do you see me through all the groupies?
 You're in another world by now
 I'll give it a few hours
 Then hopefully I'm yours

 I'm clueless on perfect people
 That would be you
 Try to be one my self
 Doesn't always come through

 Legolas and his bow
 Frankie and his Gretchen."

"Honeymoon blue eyes
 Staring at my soul
 So I get nervous
 Why is obvious
 I feel at home

 You're perfect for me
 And the entire world
 I can't say that out loud
 Not yet
 You're still staring at my soul."

"How can things ever be the same
 When I'm not the same
 I'm not even sane
 Shit's clogging up my brain
 Filling me with shame

 How can I maintain
 This marathon I'm trapped in
 Started long before I ever knew

 No signal, no clue
 For me to follow
 That's why I'm hollow

 Today feels like everyday
 When do I get payed?
 Payday's in heaven

 The year I turned seven an ten
 That was when it began
 That was when today became yesterday
 And tomorrow did too

 That was when everyday became the same day
 I wish there was two."

I heart life !

Well - I finished one of my main goals for 2011 last Tuesday!

I auditioned for RSAMD - Scotland's top theatre school. Actually it's ranked as one of the top 4 drama schools in the entire world. So it was kind of a big deal to me, seeing as this was my first audition ever.

I had practised with and without my coach for several weeks, and became pretty stressed out when the day approached. Exitement and nerves wrapped up in one big tornado, that's how it felt like! Terrible and wonderful at the same time.

Tuesday came along, and it was time for my audition. I was the first one out, and at 10pm I entered the ballroom with as much confidence there was left in me. There were two "judges", one Scottish, and one Norwegian. We introduced ourselves to each other, and i began.

The first piece had to be Shakesperian, and I went for Katherina in "The taming of the shrew". Second I did a modern piece, and chose Linda Rotunda in "Savage in limbo", a play by John Patrick Shanley. They both went well, although I forgot some text in the middle of the second piece. Luckily I had accessories to play with, so it didn't take long before I remembered the next passage. I know they noticed, but that never matters as long as you carry on like nothing has happened. But those 6-7 seconds felt like 6 hours!!! Had me worried there one second, it would have been a disaster if I had to break off and say I forgot the text. But I made it! :-)

After the audition-part of the audition, which was videotaped by the way, they did an interview with me. Asked me why I chose those two plays, why acting at all, and why RSAMD. Then they made me do Katherina again, sitting this time, and towards the Norwegian woman that was in the jury. She was now my very best friend in the whole wide world. We talked a bit more, and it was all over in maybe 20 minutes. It was insane.

They are in Reykjavik right now, doing more auditions, and then they will review all the tapes this weekend with the rest of the staff at RSAMD. I will hopefully hear from them in the beginning of the next week. Wishing for the best! :-D

It would be absolutely awesome to move to Scotland in september, I could really need a change now. I have to take the opportunity now, before I get a husband, child and house on my hands! Haha! Don't really see that coming, but you never know. Nothing ties me to Norway right now, exept my friends and family. And I've already moved away from half of them, so I'm getting used to that now.

I can't even describe how insanely amazing it feels to realize my biggest dream! It makes me believe even more in wonders.. ;-) I actually have a good chance of getting in to RSAMD, that's..sick. To think that I waited for so many years, believing that I wouldn't be good enough. And here I am now, shooting for the stars. I love my life. The people that say I'm crazy to believe in my dreams, they are the crazy ones. I am one massive potential waiting to explode! Those of you who want to continue sitting on the bench watching life go by, be my guests. I don't care anymore. Jante's Law was made to be broken. I rock.

This is gonna be one long weekend, but I'll just have to manage somehow. Whatever happens, happens. It's all opportunities anyway.

Have a nice one! :-)

Gospel in my heart

There are no words that can really describe the way it feels to be me these days. It's fantastic!

After my last weekend course in Neuro Training, I went to bed with a peculiar feeling. Something I'd never felt before. It felt like the entire universe was shifting somehow, and my last thought before I fell asleep was something like: "It feels like the whole world has shiftet coordinates, and now everything is different."

It was a profound feeling that from then on, nothing would remain the same. Nothing ever really does, as time goes by, but this was more than that. This really involved EVERYTHING. It was like the axis of the Earth, the universe, my body, soul and mind had shiftet gear somehow. Surely, I've shiftet gear since that day. Suddenly I have all these things to do, all these hobbies, homework from my theatreclass, people to meet, and then there's work and let's not forget to get enough sleep. And maybe do some working out as well? Hah.

The big difference now is, I can handle it. I enjoy it, and I thrive in these conditions. Of course I'm always looking out for that big holiday, but now I can see my goals approaching me. I'm no longer chasing ghosts, I'm arriving exactly where I'm supposed to be! This may all sound a bit strange to some, but remember I've been to the bottom, and now all is grande. I care about everything I see and feel around me, and my emotions are big. I'm glad I'm not a drama queen, even though acting is my big dream. It's the good emotions that are grande, and I only live the "bad ones" when I act or rehearse, or when life is just life. What I am trying to say, is that I feel like I've put on glasses, that enhance not only my sight, but my hearing, speech, and even my ability to FEEL. Everything is written in a big, fat typo. In a good way.

ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, "hitting the famous wall", an existential crisis.. whatever my condition really was, or what you want to call it, it can be described as a living hell. Looking back, it feels like I was sedated through many years, and lost more and more of my human nature. It was kind of like living in a haze, not being able to clear the fog or find my way out. When I think of it now, it really feels like it was someone else's life. It just seems so unreal to me. But I guess that's a good sign, that I've moved on from those bad feelings.

Today, I look ahead, and I finally see a future. A big bright one. I don't know where I'll end up in the next couple of years, but I know I will be acting my heart out somewhere. Also, I got an audition for a fantastic theatre school, somewhere overseas, so I'll give it my best shot. No matter what happens there, I know where I need to be, so how I get there doesn't really matter right now. I know I'll get there in time.

Just finished chatting with a friend of mine, that has taken sort of the same road that I chose (willingly, unwillingly, who knows. It's all a mystery to me). She walks the same tracks that I have, but of course does her own thing. I explained to her how I'm feeling nowadays, and she was delighted to get some inspiration from a fellow partner in crime.. As I was writing to her, how I felt about acting, I realized one thing. I wrote: "It feels like I've come home." And it hit me. I burst out in tears, it was like my body and soul knew something I did'nt. That I had been waiting for just that moment, that realization, that sentence to come.

I think this is how it's supposed to be like. That feeling of being home, being in my right element, I've never had that before. Maybe partially at the stables, with the horses,  but I was always a bit scared of my possibilities. So this is the first time I'm really confronting the fears that has surrounded my dreams, doing what I need to, and just grabbing the hell of it. I'm willing to give it my all, and to go to extremes to get there.

'Cause if I don't, I feel like I'm going to die. My soul, my heart, my body, my mind, it will fall to pieces if I don't do what I need to this time. I have to follow my heart, or else life seems meaningless. I think I've used up my share of "not caring", so now everything matters. I just can't get myself to give a damn anymore. I have to get my potential out there, get to know what I'm really capable of, and to take my first footsteps out there in the big world. It's just the way it is. 

I don't think this attitude towards life is guaranteeing me an easy path to heaven, but I'm sure it will be a great one anyways. I only have this life, so I can't just waste it on fears, illusions, problems or regrets. My life is here and now, I'm living my dreams as we speak, and I intend to give it my very best shot. I want to be known as a conquerer of life, someone who gives it my all, who overcomes my fears and loves life.

That's who I'm supposed to be. With a great, big smile on my face.

Jeg er frisk, for faen!

Oh my Gods.

Det gikk liksom akkurat opp for meg nå.

I går avsluttet jeg teaterkurset jeg går på, fremførte min monolog som sinte Roberta til APPLAUS, og så gikk jeg på blind date! Jeg var ute til 0130, drakk en halvliter (!) og snakket fritt og åpent om alt som falt meg inn. Jeg hadde det kjempehyggelig, og jeg har det bra i dag.

Hva faen skjedde?

Hvor ble det av usikre lille Maren, som hele tiden gikk rundt og ventet på neste "angrep", eller symptom om du vil, som hele tiden gikk rundt og mistet stadig mer kontakten med seg selv?

Hun er borte vekk! Og fytti hælvete så bra det føles! Pardon the language. Jeg er bare skikkelig glad. Fortalte litt om min fortid som ME-spøkelse underveis i daten, og det var bare fordi det kom spørsmål om noe som trengte litt mer forklaring. Jeg kunne like gjerne holdt kjeft, men det falt helt naturlig. Jeg har et sinnsykt avslappet forhold til livet mitt nå, klarer å forklare så folk skjønner, er stolt av min egen fremgang og jeg er bevisst mine gode kvaliteter. Det er ikke lenger flaut å være X-ME.

Fordelen med å ha en slik fortid, er jo at når man først er ute av det, så KJENNER man seg selv 110 %. Og jeg er bare totalt for alle former for grensesprengning (innen rimelighetens grenser, selvsagt). Noe som gjør at jeg bare utvikler meg ikke bare med stormskritt, men kvantesprang! Det er helt sykt å tenke på hvordan jeg var som person for bare 1 år siden, eller 2 år siden. Folk hadde ikke kjent meg igjen uten Facebook, for å si det sånn. Kanskje på bilder, men ikke i personlig væremåte.

For de som ikke har erfaring med ME-folk, så er det kanskje vanskelig å se for seg forandringene som tar plass, både på godt og vondt. Det er kanskje enda færre som har erfaring med dem som blir helt frisk, og det ber jeg til gudene om at skal bli mer vanlig enn det førstnevnte.

Jeg har forandret meg omtrent slik siste 10 årene:

fra
UTADVENDT-GLAD-EKSTREMT AKTIV-FRISK-USIKKER
til
INNESLUTTET-DEPRIMERT-EKSTREMT INAKTIV-KONSTANT SYK-EKSTREMT USIKKER
til
UTADVENDT-GLAD-AKTIV-STERK-STADIG MER SIKKER

Jeg må si jeg liker den utviklingen veldig bra! Noen vil mene at jeg burde vært nedturen foruten, men jeg har lært så ufattelig mye. Kommer aldri til å ta noe for gitt igjen, for å si det sånn. Og jeg er bare 25 år! Det vil si at jeg (med min evige optimisme) har 3/4 av livet igjen til å virkelig utnytte livet, leve det og kose meg. Jeg skal nemlig bli  100 :-D

Så nei, jeg kan ikke si at jeg er bitter. Heller ikke lei meg. Jeg er bare glad, for nå har jeg det som plommen i egget. Endelig har jeg selvtilliten til å gjøre de tingene jeg alltid har drømt om. Og jeg erfarer hver eneste dag at det er nettopp de tingene jeg har TALENT til. Sjelen vet best folkens. Selv om man ignorerer den.

Får litt følelsen av at "hei har jeg unormalt mange talenter/sider ved meg, siden det dukker opp noe nytt hele tiden?" noen ganger. Jeg får jo til det aller aller meste jeg prøver på! Og så har jeg gått rundt og latt være å prøve halve livet, fordi jeg var redd for å drite meg ut. Men nei, jeg tror de aller fleste har veldig mye mer potensiale enn de selv tør å tro på.

Jeg holder en knapp på at vi er som isfjell alle sammen. 90 % yet to be discovered.

Det er også helt utrolig å kjenne på min egen evne til å pushe grenser, til å bryte ut av mitt eget skall, og til å konstant hoppe inn i de tingene jeg egentlig vil unngå fordi jeg er redd. Jeg er faen meg min egen beste venn - det tok bare litt tid! Jeg har "hengt litt etter" i utviklingen på mange plan, så da har jeg også muligheten til å utvikle meg i rekordfart. Noe jeg også gjør. A-ha-opplevelsene kommer som markjordbær på et strå her i gården. Det er så deilig å kjenne at jeg BARE GJØR TING. Endelig.

Livet er herlig, dere. Det går tross alt bare fremover, uansett hva man gjør. Nå gjelder det å få mest mulig erfaring innen teater, musikk, tv og livet generelt. Så bærer det avgårde på teaterskole om litt over 1 år :)

Hold on and let go, det er mitt beste råd!

Dancing molecules

Aren't we all..? Linked together in arms of electricity - doing the dance of life.

Sometimes we dance a little off-beat, but we dance none the less.

Leading ourselves and each other into bliss, love, joy and laughter.

Sometimes into hate, fight, depression and slaughter.

But we dance none the less.

Tiny molecules in a big, big universe.                                  

How can we escape?

When we die, we simply evaporate, condense, and erode.

We're not going anywhere, we're still here.

So use this chance to shine.

Light up your space, ignite the spark.

Dance.

http://weheartit.com/entry/7285072

My little pony...

Makes my day! Even on monday, when I got jumped by the flu', Karisma managed to make me laugh my heart out. She's a funny, little horse. And it's great to see how her "personality" (horsonality?) unfolds as I get to know her. She has her weird little habits, as do I, and she is really affectionate. She is respecful towards me (at least when I'm on the ground), as I treat her with utter respect my self. Like all other living things.

Today I woke up late, and as I tried to shake off my fever, I noticed one of my green plants on my bedroom had gone partially yellow. I felt really bad! My conscience doesn't allow me to forget even a little plant, so my waterbottle and I jumped to the resque. Literally jumping out of that fever. Nothing like a little guilt to make you wake up faster. Anyways, now it smells like dirt and forest in my room. Guess that's a good sign.

I also got some really good advice for my trip to Greenland, by someone who's actually from there. And a former coworker has made that exact trip he suggested, so I got to see some pictures on Facebook as well. That is the perfect trip! 14 days or less in the rocky mountains on Greenland's coast...I'll have to bring some company though. Either that, or I have to learn how to use a map and a compass, use a stove, put up a tent, perform first aid on my self, and manouver a GPS. Luckily I have a friend who's a former girl scout. Hope I manage to persuade her to accompany me! She is like Lars Monsen in the woods. At least compared to me, haha. But seriously, I'm not that incapable. I can manage. And I don't plan on going alone! So I'll just have to scare up somebody. I actually had a potentially partner in crime, but she went off and got pregnant on me. So I guess she's out ;)

I have so many thoughts and questions about the Greenlandic way of life. Wish I had more than 2 weeks to go there... I read about an orphanage there once, I would really like to go there as well. I want to do something like Jeevani did for the children in Estonia, something that actually matters to someone else. It can be so easy to do, but it can have such an impact on those involved. She engaged some friends, and collected an entire truckload of winter clothing and toys for the children at an orphanage there. That matters. Just DOING something for someone.

Sometimes I feel like we just live in our own little bubble here. My life hasn't been easy in many years (until now), but still I feel incredible lucky compared to people other places on this earth. Let me take you through all the clichés that are all true:

I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.
I have food to cover (almost) every meal.
I have a family that loves me and supports me in every way possible.
I have friends that do the same.
I have an education (one of which I don't use), and more one on the way.
I have a job that pays all my bills.
I have a closet full of clothes I seldom wear.
I have several hobbies, all of which I pay for.
I have the luxury of taking various kinds of courses, both for my education and for fun.
I have clean water in my house.
I am planning a trip to another country, that will for sure cost me, but still for my own pleasure/development.
I can plan such trips just because.
If I ever end up on the street, I can move back in with my parents. Not an option for everyone.
I have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
I eat "superfoods" in addition to regular foods, because I can pay for them.
I pay to work out.
I get to ride the bus/tram/subway/train everywhere I want to go.

And you know what? I SO APPRECIATE ALL OF IT! Many of these things have been things I have had to work hard to attain, but I still get them a lot easier than people other places in the world.

That kind of forces me to give something to other people/animals. I can, therefore I have to. Otherwise I would just feel like a spoiled brat. My conscience constantly forces me to reevaluate my view on the world. So I force my self to make a change, make a difference. Maybe I could do more than I already do, but then I'll just have to work on it. In the mean time, I cover my surroundings with a little love, joy and me.

That's what I've got.

Step it up...

"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, Pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it."
# From Daft Punk's "Technologic" #

"Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over "

# From Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" #

Is that what I've been doing all these years? Feels like it. Today I ran 40 minutes in the snow, as if just to prove that I could. I ask my self that question quite a often. Do I have something to prove? Is that why I strive so hard to break my own limits? Is that why I jump into unknown territory and improvise all the time nowadays? Is that why I have a mental list over things I'm afraid of, that I try to do one at a time?
I think so. I have a lot to prove. To my self the most, but also to the rest of the world. Sometimes it feels like a curse that came with the badge 8 years ago. A label that said: "You obviously don't know how to live in a fashion that you can sustain, therefore you have to prove that you deserve it." Or something. I don't know. But as a former trainwreck, now a "returnee", as they say in "The 4400", I have to prove I can. I have to prove that I am capable of doing not only the things other people do, but the things they dream of doing.

I wake up in the morning thinking that "today I have to DO something". If I end up doing nothing that day, I feel like I wasted it. One more day in the trash. Luckily I am very observant, also of my self, so I know that this is something I have to work on. After losing so many days and years, I tend to feel guilty when I don't use time "wisely". What that means, I haven't figured out yet. But I'm working on it. It helps finding new things, hobbies and people I like spending time with. Then it never feels like a waste. It's when I'm on my own, doing nothing, I feel like a failure. Because I feel like I've done nothing but that over the years.

Of course, if I really think about it, I know that I have done a lot. I have made my way out of a disease, a condition, that no one had a cure for. I endured it, found a way out, and I have a life I love now. There wasn't a day that went by, that I did'nt look for an emergency exit. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. But that's only because I start wonder if this is a dream. My life is easy now. Compared to what has been, it feels easy. If I get tense, I just lower my shoulders and take a deep breath. If I get scared, I do the same. It works on most things when I think of it. Relaxation is the key to all fracking things. Lol. If someone had just told me that when I was younger..!

Well. I have started planning a trip to Greenland this summer/fall. At the moment I am going alone, but if someone wants to join they are more than welcome! Haha... I haven't been anywhere else than Norway, Sweden and Denmark and I am planning camping in the wild in Greenland. I'll have to learn how to put up a tent then. I really want to see Paradise Valley, but there are a lot of places I want to go there. So we'll se where I end up in the end.

Paradise Valley - http://www.flickr.com/photos/jakerollo/4363524046/in/set-72157622396013091/

 As for my acting career, it is finally starting to exist! Improvising really is something for me. And so far I've just worked with my character Roberta, and only improvised her, but it is MUCH easier than I thought it would be. When you have a calling in your gut, you follow that dream no matter what. But you can't really know if you're any good until you try it. And I proclaimed my newfound dream to almost everyone, so it would be really embarrasing if I sucked at it. But so far people are impressed, so I guess this may really be my calling. I will be applying for several schools this month, but I'm not sure yet if I want to start this fall, or spend the next year travelling and gaining life experience outside my own little bubble...

I have so much to do. There are so many things that I've fallen behind with, and all I want to do is try everything. Especially the things I think I suck at. A lot of those things have turned out to be things I am good at, so I can't let fear get the best of me. The latest thing that has happened to me, is this new desire to be outdoors. I want to see the world, starting with nature. Weekends in big cities doesn't really appeal to me right now, I'd rather spend a week in the wilderness alone. So, Greenland seems like my kind of place. When winter comes, I can go there one more time, and trade the walking and MTB'ing with skiing.

I notice that my working out is a lot easier these days as well. I don't have to have as many breaks as before, and I don't feel like it's going to get interrupted by injuries or fatigue etiher. And I can double my pushups, all the sudden! Oh the joy. I suspect my eating has something to do with that. I have been eating more than before, my appetite is good, and I've added some socalled "superfoods" that may seem to make a difference. I am skeptical to a lot of those things, but I have come to like some of them. The things that I use right now, in addition to regular foods, is a heavy dosis of omega-3, spirulina, wheatgrass, bee pollen, "Immiflex" and chalsium for my bones.

I can say that the omega-3 really makes my head work faster, and research shows that the degeneration of cells in ME-patients is similar to a lot of other degenerating conditions. It's quite logical, actually. The reseptors in your brain shut down when under stress, like all other "unnecessary" things in your body, and over time things all over stop working. But the good news is, they start working again when you get better! And taking extra omega-3 makes those braincells (among others) work a little faster each day. So eat that bread with maquerel with a good conciousness!

Okey, that was today's thoughts on this subject. I'm halfway through the second season of "Battlestar Galactica", and I have to finish the last episode on this disc. Tomorrow's a brand new day, and I am going to enjoy it! I am going for a run tomorrow as well, then maybe a little bit of yoga on Elixia. And then some more episodes of this fantastic drama/sci-fi series, before I end the day with 2 of my awesome brothers :-D

Life is worth all the ordeals of my past. That is a fact, and I know it. I love my life! <3

A souls' cry



 Have you ever felt your soul cry?

Opened your eyes and seen nothing but darkness? Felt your very being screaming out for help, as if the universe would help you when you wouldn't even help yourself? Trying to, but not quite doing it. Your soul knows everything, feels everything. When you work against it, rather then helping it, you destroy the very essence of your self. And then the deepest possibly part of your self cries out for help.

A while ago I listened to Lissie's "Everywhere I go", and one black day came to my memory. One day some years ago, when I was still in battle with life it self. Actually the same day I met the man who was to be catalyst to some of my best/worst changes, one of my happier days back then. And that special day, I attended the last part of "Touch 4 Health" in Oslo. We were dealing with the five elements, and how the emotions related to that particular system.

According to the testing we did on each other, we were to end up with some sort of outlet for a particular emotion. I hoped for singing, because that I knew I could do. Of course I ended up with screaming. A scream. I NEVER screamed at anyone or anything. I rarely expressed my emotions in any other way than smiling and silent tears at night. So I freaked out.

Me and my partner on that day found ourselves a quiet classroom, and began to figure this out. She ended up with singing, which I wanted, and that was HER biggest fear. She never sang. I actually can't remember who went first, but I think it may have been me. I knelt on a bench, and became totally silent. I couldn't make a sound. My partner tried to cheer me along, pissing me off, screaming herself... she was a very good partner when I think of it. I took me quite a bit of time, but eventually I got tired of the silence and jumped off that cliff.

The idea of expressing my feelings out loud, screaming out my sorrow and pain, that was more terrifying to me than to jump out of a plane with no parachute. It was a real obstacle. I had hidden my dark sides for so long, only letting out a few complaints now and then. The darkness inside of me I had shown to none. No one really knew. Not until the last year I've really shared how it felt back then.

I opened my mouth, and started using my lungs for the first time in many years. The sound was like nothing I had heard coming out of my mouth before. Dark, desperate, sad, angry, it was a real roar from within. It came from a very dark place. I don't know how long I screamed, but I didn't stop until my voice was gone. Sank down on the bench and gasped for air like a fish on land. And then the look from my partner. She was in tears over my very personal emotional outlet. She said she'd never heard anything like it. That it was a desperate cry from the gut. And that I probably needed it... She was right about that!

To think that something as simple as a scream was so frightening to me, I must have been much more tied down than I can remember. Most of those years are gone, like in a mist, and I try to avoid getting to much into those feelings again. Not suppressing, I've stopped with that. But I know what is healthy and what is not. And now that I am strong again, I can focuse on the good things that came out of it. It was a really shitty condition to live with, but it has made me stronger than I ever was before. The long and hard way out was my journey towards a way of living that I can sustain for the rest of my life. Life support. Instead of breaking down. And the journey continues forever. I rediscover parts of my forgotten self every day. And I discover new parts just as often.

This is my life, and I love it. I went through hell for a while, but who doesn't? It's just life. Really. It's not like someone ever promised me it would be easy. I got a second chance, and I will honour that for all my years to come. By receiving thankfully, giving selflessly, and by becoming the best that I can be. That is my thanking gift.

In the midst of things, I still kept my smile :)

To the people I love...

I would like to thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you. And for still being here. You have seen me go through a lot of changes, good and bad, and it is finally clear to me that the outcome is good.

I can feel my heart beat. I can scream my lungs out. I can read both on and in between the lines. I can reflect on my life and still feel good. Acknowledge the fact that I am no longer holding on to it, but living it. My eyes may have taken some damage along the way, but the fact that I now wear glasses, does not mean that I am not seeing things clearly. I am, more than ever actually.

I hold a special place in my heart to the people that were kind enough to let me go, wheter or not it happened with their intention of doing so. I have loved you once, and learned a lot from you. There is no "wrong time". There is just time. So if you, like me, got hurt on some oocasions, be grateful that you did. I am not saying we should embrace only sad things, we should embrace everything. Might be a well used cliché, but it is true. Everything happens for a reason.

Take me for instance. I used to tread water. Now I swim for fun. But I know that I owe that to my life. All the things that has happened, good and bad. And from where I stand today, I cannot really say that I have made many mistakes. I have made choices.

So, to all the boys that broke my heart and nearly crushed my will to live, for various amounts of time. I owe a little of my life today to you. I want to thank you for loving me, and for letting me go at just the right time. Today I love my self more than I ever loved one of you, and for that, I needed you. You made me stronger, wiser, and helped me learn how to swim.

And to the boys that I myself broke the hearts of, I am sorry. But I cannot say that I regret. Because I ended up here, today. And I am in a thankful place, with a strong heart and a body that cooperates with my mind. I listen to my own voice, follow my own heart, and I can finally breathe again.

I am now being honest to my self. In order to do that, I have to be honest to my heart. I have dug layers of crap on the way down to my heart. It has been covered by lies, misconception and sorrow for a long time. Now, it unravels to me in all it's beauty. Every day I wake up and become a little lighter. Each night I go to sleep a bit easier.

I never knew it would be so difficult to live this life. But since it has been just that, I have come to appreciate it more. I am so happy that I get to live and tell, and to skyrocket my soul even higher. To some, I am sure it may appear like I have my head in the clouds, but acually I am more grounded than ever. I know what is important to ME. That is what i call key knowledge in this life I live. Until you learn that, nothing else can really matter. Or it may matter too much.

Word of advice: Stick with yourself, be your own best friend, and act in ways you can stand for. You cannot change life with someone, nor your body, so deal with it the best possible way. Give yourself a hug and excel. I know I don't want to have regrets when my time comes, so I will try to live it every day. Do you want to lose time, or spend time?

2011.words.

.balance .love .serenity .joy .power .acting .hope .achievements .desire .air .dive .float .speak .enjoy .see .listen .express .commit .do .be .laughter .sunshine .soulful .singing .dancing .willingly .respect .change .smoothly .escape .comeback .inspire .classic .new .movement .stagefighting .lovemaking .dreams .always .never .healthy .business .crush .overcome .image .spirit .up .forward .trickster .wanting .more .shakespeare .candlelights .garden .ricelamps .wind .breathe .feel .devour .scream .light .meaning .shock .craving .buddha .chocolate .fog .coffee .blinking .raindrop .look .take .share .give .make .happy .receive .yo .fantastic .silver .mirror .pictures .france .l'amour .orange .flowers .blueskies .pour .heavy .feather .fireplace .cocoa .organize .structure .freedom .fly .blossom .sleep .awaken .peace .savour .lust .charcoal .purple .paint .save .rid .horses .britain .atlantis .bergen .fur .marshmallows .memorize .swim .camp .throw .cat .draw .fence .ride .live

Rise and rise again, until lambs become lions.

2011.

The year for success.

A year in my name.

I'm on a roll, and no thing can stop me now. Why did I wait so long? Well, I had to learn how to keep my feet grounded and at the same time spread my wings. At first I learned the lesson of dis-appearing. Falling. The feeling of being grounded. The punishing kind. Was never meant to be a joyful lesson, but I did'nt know that. I just fell. Hard.

Second I had to learn how to rise again. Look to the horizon. Just opening my eyes was painful. The haze of sedation that had covered me for so long, had to be driven away. That was maybe the hardest part of all. Rising. Falling was the easy part. Luckily I had friends and family that never went tired of me, not entirely at least. It can be a tough job to kick someone elses ass, while they seemingly lie down. But, as I now know, you've got to have drive to get somewhere. And if you don't have it, someone else is going to have to kick your ass until you put the stick in drive yourself. Let them. It's an exellent opportunity to learn how to get your ass in gear. You've probably just sat on it for a while anyway. Acknowledge it's time to reboot.

Maren 2.0

Trust me, it's the newest and best version of me. I am on my way, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I've found pieces of it, but far from all. The thrill is in the hunt, right? Spoken by a true Sagittarius. Catch me if you can, and all that. It's all true.

As I am regaining my true nature, I rediscover a lot of things I have always known to be true. From I was a little girl, I have seen the world through a special lense. For some time the lense was covered, but now fractures of the very me shows up. I have a lot of exiting discoveries these days, and as I uncover my self, I recover the person I have always been. You can hide your spirit for years, but it is always ready to be found again. And when you do, you can literally feel your heart burst into joy. It's a symphony right there inside of you. Finally listening to it, I recognize my true self. The person I'm meant to be. The light. A beautiful lamp shouldn't be hidden under a blanket, right?



The resolution I am going to make for 2011 is this:

Follow your heart.

If you manage to do that, then everything else will fall into place. At least that's what I've found to be true. If you really listen to your inner voice, you will always find an answer. Usually the right one as well. And if it's not, then it was either based on fear or it was never meant to be.

So.

2011.

Let the games begin.