Step it up...

"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, Pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it."
# From Daft Punk's "Technologic" #

"Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over "

# From Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" #

Is that what I've been doing all these years? Feels like it. Today I ran 40 minutes in the snow, as if just to prove that I could. I ask my self that question quite a often. Do I have something to prove? Is that why I strive so hard to break my own limits? Is that why I jump into unknown territory and improvise all the time nowadays? Is that why I have a mental list over things I'm afraid of, that I try to do one at a time?
I think so. I have a lot to prove. To my self the most, but also to the rest of the world. Sometimes it feels like a curse that came with the badge 8 years ago. A label that said: "You obviously don't know how to live in a fashion that you can sustain, therefore you have to prove that you deserve it." Or something. I don't know. But as a former trainwreck, now a "returnee", as they say in "The 4400", I have to prove I can. I have to prove that I am capable of doing not only the things other people do, but the things they dream of doing.

I wake up in the morning thinking that "today I have to DO something". If I end up doing nothing that day, I feel like I wasted it. One more day in the trash. Luckily I am very observant, also of my self, so I know that this is something I have to work on. After losing so many days and years, I tend to feel guilty when I don't use time "wisely". What that means, I haven't figured out yet. But I'm working on it. It helps finding new things, hobbies and people I like spending time with. Then it never feels like a waste. It's when I'm on my own, doing nothing, I feel like a failure. Because I feel like I've done nothing but that over the years.

Of course, if I really think about it, I know that I have done a lot. I have made my way out of a disease, a condition, that no one had a cure for. I endured it, found a way out, and I have a life I love now. There wasn't a day that went by, that I did'nt look for an emergency exit. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. But that's only because I start wonder if this is a dream. My life is easy now. Compared to what has been, it feels easy. If I get tense, I just lower my shoulders and take a deep breath. If I get scared, I do the same. It works on most things when I think of it. Relaxation is the key to all fracking things. Lol. If someone had just told me that when I was younger..!

Well. I have started planning a trip to Greenland this summer/fall. At the moment I am going alone, but if someone wants to join they are more than welcome! Haha... I haven't been anywhere else than Norway, Sweden and Denmark and I am planning camping in the wild in Greenland. I'll have to learn how to put up a tent then. I really want to see Paradise Valley, but there are a lot of places I want to go there. So we'll se where I end up in the end.

Paradise Valley - http://www.flickr.com/photos/jakerollo/4363524046/in/set-72157622396013091/

 As for my acting career, it is finally starting to exist! Improvising really is something for me. And so far I've just worked with my character Roberta, and only improvised her, but it is MUCH easier than I thought it would be. When you have a calling in your gut, you follow that dream no matter what. But you can't really know if you're any good until you try it. And I proclaimed my newfound dream to almost everyone, so it would be really embarrasing if I sucked at it. But so far people are impressed, so I guess this may really be my calling. I will be applying for several schools this month, but I'm not sure yet if I want to start this fall, or spend the next year travelling and gaining life experience outside my own little bubble...

I have so much to do. There are so many things that I've fallen behind with, and all I want to do is try everything. Especially the things I think I suck at. A lot of those things have turned out to be things I am good at, so I can't let fear get the best of me. The latest thing that has happened to me, is this new desire to be outdoors. I want to see the world, starting with nature. Weekends in big cities doesn't really appeal to me right now, I'd rather spend a week in the wilderness alone. So, Greenland seems like my kind of place. When winter comes, I can go there one more time, and trade the walking and MTB'ing with skiing.

I notice that my working out is a lot easier these days as well. I don't have to have as many breaks as before, and I don't feel like it's going to get interrupted by injuries or fatigue etiher. And I can double my pushups, all the sudden! Oh the joy. I suspect my eating has something to do with that. I have been eating more than before, my appetite is good, and I've added some socalled "superfoods" that may seem to make a difference. I am skeptical to a lot of those things, but I have come to like some of them. The things that I use right now, in addition to regular foods, is a heavy dosis of omega-3, spirulina, wheatgrass, bee pollen, "Immiflex" and chalsium for my bones.

I can say that the omega-3 really makes my head work faster, and research shows that the degeneration of cells in ME-patients is similar to a lot of other degenerating conditions. It's quite logical, actually. The reseptors in your brain shut down when under stress, like all other "unnecessary" things in your body, and over time things all over stop working. But the good news is, they start working again when you get better! And taking extra omega-3 makes those braincells (among others) work a little faster each day. So eat that bread with maquerel with a good conciousness!

Okey, that was today's thoughts on this subject. I'm halfway through the second season of "Battlestar Galactica", and I have to finish the last episode on this disc. Tomorrow's a brand new day, and I am going to enjoy it! I am going for a run tomorrow as well, then maybe a little bit of yoga on Elixia. And then some more episodes of this fantastic drama/sci-fi series, before I end the day with 2 of my awesome brothers :-D

Life is worth all the ordeals of my past. That is a fact, and I know it. I love my life! <3