A souls' cry



 Have you ever felt your soul cry?

Opened your eyes and seen nothing but darkness? Felt your very being screaming out for help, as if the universe would help you when you wouldn't even help yourself? Trying to, but not quite doing it. Your soul knows everything, feels everything. When you work against it, rather then helping it, you destroy the very essence of your self. And then the deepest possibly part of your self cries out for help.

A while ago I listened to Lissie's "Everywhere I go", and one black day came to my memory. One day some years ago, when I was still in battle with life it self. Actually the same day I met the man who was to be catalyst to some of my best/worst changes, one of my happier days back then. And that special day, I attended the last part of "Touch 4 Health" in Oslo. We were dealing with the five elements, and how the emotions related to that particular system.

According to the testing we did on each other, we were to end up with some sort of outlet for a particular emotion. I hoped for singing, because that I knew I could do. Of course I ended up with screaming. A scream. I NEVER screamed at anyone or anything. I rarely expressed my emotions in any other way than smiling and silent tears at night. So I freaked out.

Me and my partner on that day found ourselves a quiet classroom, and began to figure this out. She ended up with singing, which I wanted, and that was HER biggest fear. She never sang. I actually can't remember who went first, but I think it may have been me. I knelt on a bench, and became totally silent. I couldn't make a sound. My partner tried to cheer me along, pissing me off, screaming herself... she was a very good partner when I think of it. I took me quite a bit of time, but eventually I got tired of the silence and jumped off that cliff.

The idea of expressing my feelings out loud, screaming out my sorrow and pain, that was more terrifying to me than to jump out of a plane with no parachute. It was a real obstacle. I had hidden my dark sides for so long, only letting out a few complaints now and then. The darkness inside of me I had shown to none. No one really knew. Not until the last year I've really shared how it felt back then.

I opened my mouth, and started using my lungs for the first time in many years. The sound was like nothing I had heard coming out of my mouth before. Dark, desperate, sad, angry, it was a real roar from within. It came from a very dark place. I don't know how long I screamed, but I didn't stop until my voice was gone. Sank down on the bench and gasped for air like a fish on land. And then the look from my partner. She was in tears over my very personal emotional outlet. She said she'd never heard anything like it. That it was a desperate cry from the gut. And that I probably needed it... She was right about that!

To think that something as simple as a scream was so frightening to me, I must have been much more tied down than I can remember. Most of those years are gone, like in a mist, and I try to avoid getting to much into those feelings again. Not suppressing, I've stopped with that. But I know what is healthy and what is not. And now that I am strong again, I can focuse on the good things that came out of it. It was a really shitty condition to live with, but it has made me stronger than I ever was before. The long and hard way out was my journey towards a way of living that I can sustain for the rest of my life. Life support. Instead of breaking down. And the journey continues forever. I rediscover parts of my forgotten self every day. And I discover new parts just as often.

This is my life, and I love it. I went through hell for a while, but who doesn't? It's just life. Really. It's not like someone ever promised me it would be easy. I got a second chance, and I will honour that for all my years to come. By receiving thankfully, giving selflessly, and by becoming the best that I can be. That is my thanking gift.

In the midst of things, I still kept my smile :)