After my last weekend course in Neuro Training, I went to bed with a peculiar feeling. Something I'd never felt before. It felt like the entire universe was shifting somehow, and my last thought before I fell asleep was something like: "It feels like the whole world has shiftet coordinates, and now everything is different."
It was a profound feeling that from then on, nothing would remain the same. Nothing ever really does, as time goes by, but this was more than that. This really involved EVERYTHING. It was like the axis of the Earth, the universe, my body, soul and mind had shiftet gear somehow. Surely, I've shiftet gear since that day. Suddenly I have all these things to do, all these hobbies, homework from my theatreclass, people to meet, and then there's work and let's not forget to get enough sleep. And maybe do some working out as well? Hah.
The big difference now is, I can handle it. I enjoy it, and I thrive in these conditions. Of course I'm always looking out for that big holiday, but now I can see my goals approaching me. I'm no longer chasing ghosts, I'm arriving exactly where I'm supposed to be! This may all sound a bit strange to some, but remember I've been to the bottom, and now all is grande. I care about everything I see and feel around me, and my emotions are big. I'm glad I'm not a drama queen, even though acting is my big dream. It's the good emotions that are grande, and I only live the "bad ones" when I act or rehearse, or when life is just life. What I am trying to say, is that I feel like I've put on glasses, that enhance not only my sight, but my hearing, speech, and even my ability to FEEL. Everything is written in a big, fat typo. In a good way.
ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, "hitting the famous wall", an existential crisis.. whatever my condition really was, or what you want to call it, it can be described as a living hell. Looking back, it feels like I was sedated through many years, and lost more and more of my human nature. It was kind of like living in a haze, not being able to clear the fog or find my way out. When I think of it now, it really feels like it was someone else's life. It just seems so unreal to me. But I guess that's a good sign, that I've moved on from those bad feelings.
Today, I look ahead, and I finally see a future. A big bright one. I don't know where I'll end up in the next couple of years, but I know I will be acting my heart out somewhere. Also, I got an audition for a fantastic theatre school, somewhere overseas, so I'll give it my best shot. No matter what happens there, I know where I need to be, so how I get there doesn't really matter right now. I know I'll get there in time.
Just finished chatting with a friend of mine, that has taken sort of the same road that I chose (willingly, unwillingly, who knows. It's all a mystery to me). She walks the same tracks that I have, but of course does her own thing. I explained to her how I'm feeling nowadays, and she was delighted to get some inspiration from a fellow partner in crime.. As I was writing to her, how I felt about acting, I realized one thing. I wrote: "It feels like I've come home." And it hit me. I burst out in tears, it was like my body and soul knew something I did'nt. That I had been waiting for just that moment, that realization, that sentence to come.
I think this is how it's supposed to be like. That feeling of being home, being in my right element, I've never had that before. Maybe partially at the stables, with the horses, but I was always a bit scared of my possibilities. So this is the first time I'm really confronting the fears that has surrounded my dreams, doing what I need to, and just grabbing the hell of it. I'm willing to give it my all, and to go to extremes to get there.
'Cause if I don't, I feel like I'm going to die. My soul, my heart, my body, my mind, it will fall to pieces if I don't do what I need to this time. I have to follow my heart, or else life seems meaningless. I think I've used up my share of "not caring", so now everything matters. I just can't get myself to give a damn anymore. I have to get my potential out there, get to know what I'm really capable of, and to take my first footsteps out there in the big world. It's just the way it is.
That's who I'm supposed to be. With a great, big smile on my face.
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