My everchanging life...

...should really be written a book about!

This I wrote a little over a year ago. Somehow I didn't post it then, but I feel it's appropriate to do so now. A year has gone by, and I LOVE my life :D

 
...There has been so much craziness in my life over the last 8 years, I kind of hoped that it would calm down soon. And here I am, preparing to be a single mum with a kid on the way. Totally unexpected, but I've learned to love change! So I am going to have a blast this time around as well.

Adapting to change, wasn't something that came easily to me. I can see that in other familymembers as well, so I guess it "runs in the family". Or... maybe we're just products of the same heritage, same thoughtpatterns, same environment, same "old truths". I don't know. But I do know that it is changeable.

I am grateful that I have made all the hard changes I have by now, so that my baby can start it's life with a "cleaner slate". So much affect the little ones when we carry them in our bellys, much more than we can comprehend just yet. I believe that all the things I experience being pregnant, affects my baby at the same time. My emotions change my biology, and vice versa - wich the baby can fell, lying in my stomach. In the centre of my emotions, so to say. You know how we can feel butterflies there when we are excited? Or how the feelings grow into a hard ball of terror, when we're scared of something? Those feelings manifest themselves in the stomach. At the same time, a mother and her child share bodies for 9 months. The same blood runs through their veins, the child depends totally on it's mother for surviving and developing. How can they not be affected by every single thing we do?

I try to make good choices for both of us now, and for the first time in my life, I feel content. I feel relaxed. I know what I have to do from here on, I know where I have to be. No more running around looking for new ways to challenge myself, to develop, wondering what to do next or where to go. It is if as life itself, has made a choice for me. Saying: "This is where you go now". This has been, and will be, the biggest change and challenge in my life, for sure. And yet, that "Zen-like feeling" I've been chasing for years now, came as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It is still here, 2 months later. I now face choices regarding economy, getting an apartment, and other practical matters. And I just smile, all the time. It is if as nothing can stress me out. That is the only thing I could ever ask for. This calmness that I'm experiencing. It's everything.

A friend told me I seemed so calm and happy, this had to be the best thing that ever happened to me. All those years of problems and crap just disappeared, and left was a happy girl. And here I am, having a baby miracle in 5 months. After all those years of sickness, I didn't even think I could get pregnant. It's a blessing, and I welcome this majure change into my life. Earlier this spring I said to life: "Come on! Show me what you've got! I'm ready!" Haha. I guess that kind of proves that you get what you wish for.

Oh well. I never asked for an A-4 kind of life anyway!