My everchanging life...

...should really be written a book about!

This I wrote a little over a year ago. Somehow I didn't post it then, but I feel it's appropriate to do so now. A year has gone by, and I LOVE my life :D

 
...There has been so much craziness in my life over the last 8 years, I kind of hoped that it would calm down soon. And here I am, preparing to be a single mum with a kid on the way. Totally unexpected, but I've learned to love change! So I am going to have a blast this time around as well.

Adapting to change, wasn't something that came easily to me. I can see that in other familymembers as well, so I guess it "runs in the family". Or... maybe we're just products of the same heritage, same thoughtpatterns, same environment, same "old truths". I don't know. But I do know that it is changeable.

I am grateful that I have made all the hard changes I have by now, so that my baby can start it's life with a "cleaner slate". So much affect the little ones when we carry them in our bellys, much more than we can comprehend just yet. I believe that all the things I experience being pregnant, affects my baby at the same time. My emotions change my biology, and vice versa - wich the baby can fell, lying in my stomach. In the centre of my emotions, so to say. You know how we can feel butterflies there when we are excited? Or how the feelings grow into a hard ball of terror, when we're scared of something? Those feelings manifest themselves in the stomach. At the same time, a mother and her child share bodies for 9 months. The same blood runs through their veins, the child depends totally on it's mother for surviving and developing. How can they not be affected by every single thing we do?

I try to make good choices for both of us now, and for the first time in my life, I feel content. I feel relaxed. I know what I have to do from here on, I know where I have to be. No more running around looking for new ways to challenge myself, to develop, wondering what to do next or where to go. It is if as life itself, has made a choice for me. Saying: "This is where you go now". This has been, and will be, the biggest change and challenge in my life, for sure. And yet, that "Zen-like feeling" I've been chasing for years now, came as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It is still here, 2 months later. I now face choices regarding economy, getting an apartment, and other practical matters. And I just smile, all the time. It is if as nothing can stress me out. That is the only thing I could ever ask for. This calmness that I'm experiencing. It's everything.

A friend told me I seemed so calm and happy, this had to be the best thing that ever happened to me. All those years of problems and crap just disappeared, and left was a happy girl. And here I am, having a baby miracle in 5 months. After all those years of sickness, I didn't even think I could get pregnant. It's a blessing, and I welcome this majure change into my life. Earlier this spring I said to life: "Come on! Show me what you've got! I'm ready!" Haha. I guess that kind of proves that you get what you wish for.

Oh well. I never asked for an A-4 kind of life anyway!

The truth and nothing but the truth...

I have come to believe that there is a reason behind everything that happens inside of me. That modern medicine often only treats the symptoms, and not the causes. Adapting to this view has allowed me to recover from illness, symptoms have vanished, feelings have been healed, and I now feel more...whole, as a person. I never take the easy road and treat just the symptoms anymore, I bite the sour apple and go looking for the solution to the problem behind the symptom. The symptom is just a way for our bodies to make us listen when there is an imbalance in our system. This may be on an emotional, physical or mental frequency in our body.

Too often we don't bother trying to find the reason behind it all, because we're not used to think for ourselves. Simple as that. We're not used to taking a closer look at ourselves, understanding that everything starts in us, and that all the solutions are in us. Of course no one would do without modern medicine, neither would I. But in order to solve our issues, we have to take a risk. The risk of finding out that we are not perfect, ant that we never were supposed to be. At least not the way we think we're supposed to. It's the flaws that make us perfect. The fact that we have to constantly adjust to our surroundings, makes this a little more exciting. If we dare to stare at the blackest parts of our soul, then we can discover the brightest parts of ourselves. Without darkness there is no light.





Fear is what keeps us from reaching our potential most of the times. I will bet you that every single one of us has 10, if not 100 times more potential than we dare to imagine ourselves. Fear is what makes most of the darkness inside us, and fear can easily be beaten. It may take some effort, but fear is always an illusion. We can NEVER know for sure what is going to happen next, but we often imagine the worst. Why not the best? We attract what we focus our attention on, so if you suspect the worst, well there you have it. Fear grows on fear. It may consume you as a person if you let it. But it is always an illusion that has not yet turned into reality.




If you one day decide that you are sick of being controlled by fear and "worst case scenarios", then you may take a good look at your self in the mirror. Do you honestly believe that you were put on this earth to suffer? To be limited as a person your whole life? To always being scared and never believing that you are worth the very best there is? The old saying that "You have to love yourself before you can be loved by others", is true. If you can learn to love yourself, and be your own best friend, then I promise you, everything will be easier. Every day will seem lighter, and you will learn how to make a dark night turn into a bright morning. Because if you just feel the difference once, you know how good life can be. And is supposed to be!






So back to the beginning, it may start off with just a simple headache. Insted of taking that Aspirine as you're used to, you can ask yourself why this headache always haunts you. In which situations does it appear, after eating, sleeping little, arguing with your boyfriend? Change the reason, and erase the symptom. It's a matter of empowering yourself. Cause if you have the power to think for yourself, find the reason, and then change the way you cause that symptom to appear, then you have the power to be free. The power to change your life for the better, the power to take control yourself, and not be a victim to outer influences and Aspirine. I dare you to take control of your own life.




All of this has led me to another question. When there is a reason behind all that happens inside of us, is there a reason behind what happens outside of us? The events that occur in the world, our lives, why we were born and where and when? Do we have a destiny, or are we really in charge of where our lives go? Is it true that when we "find ourselves", we step onto that pathway we were always meant to walk on? Or did we make ourselves a totally new one? Is there any plan? I can't help thinking in bigger scales when I apply this theory to my self. Are there any Gods? A God? Are we alone in the universe? Will we ever see "others"? Why are there so many things we cannot explain, that seems to have its purpose none the less? Are we meant to find other planets to live on, after we have destroyed our own? Cause that's what we all are thinking, and especially the scientists. Terraforming Mars and so on. That must mean that in a not so distant future, they expect Earth to loose the battle against its inhabitants. Or what? We're not running out of solar power just yet, so that can't be it.





Is this perhaps our chance to look at ourselves as a collective, pointing the finger at our own nose and taking that scary look in the mirror? It's not just happening in our bodies, it's happening in the world as well. We take that Aspirine, and forget there was ever a problem. And we search for a new home because we don't really want to solve the problems we have in our own. Just take the discussions around pollution, they're being handled ridiculous by most people. People don't want to give up their comfort, so they try to irrationalize it into "someone elses problem". Why can't we instead acknowledge that we live on a planet that will die if we are not being wise about it? You don't have to be a Treehugging Hippie to be smart, and to care. If we did not have this planet, we would not be here. Simple as that. I hope that more and more people will open their eyes and realize that we have to be honest. With ourselves, and with each other. When we clear the clutter within, we can help clear the clutter outside.

So I guess my conclusion to this long chain of thoughts is, dare to really look within your self - and then dare to really look around you. Don't just ignore everything and hope someone else will fix it for you. Or fix you. My mother always says, "Do the job yourself if you want to ensure it's done right". Think for yourself. Don't be a sheep your whole life, and then complain about how life never went your way. It's your life. Don't lay your life in the hands of other, instead make a decision that you are going to be in charge. Today.

Småkleine vers vs.bleik emo-kid anno 2008

"You made me stop and stay
 Mute, didn't know what to say
 Lighted my darkness
 Made hell turn day

Then you pulled back
 Told me there was no other way
 Still, I don't know what to say
 But I'll be waiting for that pearly day

When you realize love ain't lost
 Come what may
 Unlike her
 I was prepared to stay
 Knew it all, still I was never afraid

 You try hard to be like old pops
 Making sure he never becomes a shade
 Ease up, hey
 You're the best he and your mama ever made
 You will never fade."
 

"What you can do with your touch
 Can free every slave on earth

 If you could just see the real me
 If you could just read my mind
 That would be great

 I'm such a coward
 Biggest there is

 Afraid of love and loneliness
 All because of my fears

 It's time I get my shining years as well
 Every soul on earth has its mate
 It seems mine just is a bit late

 Sadest part is
 I don't know who you are yet
 But I know my self by now
 I'll just screw it up again
 That's just how it is

 Afraid of love and loneliness
 Is this all there is?"

"You're so fucking beautiful
 I try hard not to stare
 Lookin'  like some Legolas
 'Just cut off his hair

 You and all your makeup
 You don't really need it
 But when I see you in your element
 I keep thinking, this is it
 
 This is my guy
 Just doesn't know it yet
 A lovely piece of work
 I'll tell you that

 Do you see me through all the groupies?
 You're in another world by now
 I'll give it a few hours
 Then hopefully I'm yours

 I'm clueless on perfect people
 That would be you
 Try to be one my self
 Doesn't always come through

 Legolas and his bow
 Frankie and his Gretchen."

"Honeymoon blue eyes
 Staring at my soul
 So I get nervous
 Why is obvious
 I feel at home

 You're perfect for me
 And the entire world
 I can't say that out loud
 Not yet
 You're still staring at my soul."

"How can things ever be the same
 When I'm not the same
 I'm not even sane
 Shit's clogging up my brain
 Filling me with shame

 How can I maintain
 This marathon I'm trapped in
 Started long before I ever knew

 No signal, no clue
 For me to follow
 That's why I'm hollow

 Today feels like everyday
 When do I get payed?
 Payday's in heaven

 The year I turned seven an ten
 That was when it began
 That was when today became yesterday
 And tomorrow did too

 That was when everyday became the same day
 I wish there was two."

I heart life !

Well - I finished one of my main goals for 2011 last Tuesday!

I auditioned for RSAMD - Scotland's top theatre school. Actually it's ranked as one of the top 4 drama schools in the entire world. So it was kind of a big deal to me, seeing as this was my first audition ever.

I had practised with and without my coach for several weeks, and became pretty stressed out when the day approached. Exitement and nerves wrapped up in one big tornado, that's how it felt like! Terrible and wonderful at the same time.

Tuesday came along, and it was time for my audition. I was the first one out, and at 10pm I entered the ballroom with as much confidence there was left in me. There were two "judges", one Scottish, and one Norwegian. We introduced ourselves to each other, and i began.

The first piece had to be Shakesperian, and I went for Katherina in "The taming of the shrew". Second I did a modern piece, and chose Linda Rotunda in "Savage in limbo", a play by John Patrick Shanley. They both went well, although I forgot some text in the middle of the second piece. Luckily I had accessories to play with, so it didn't take long before I remembered the next passage. I know they noticed, but that never matters as long as you carry on like nothing has happened. But those 6-7 seconds felt like 6 hours!!! Had me worried there one second, it would have been a disaster if I had to break off and say I forgot the text. But I made it! :-)

After the audition-part of the audition, which was videotaped by the way, they did an interview with me. Asked me why I chose those two plays, why acting at all, and why RSAMD. Then they made me do Katherina again, sitting this time, and towards the Norwegian woman that was in the jury. She was now my very best friend in the whole wide world. We talked a bit more, and it was all over in maybe 20 minutes. It was insane.

They are in Reykjavik right now, doing more auditions, and then they will review all the tapes this weekend with the rest of the staff at RSAMD. I will hopefully hear from them in the beginning of the next week. Wishing for the best! :-D

It would be absolutely awesome to move to Scotland in september, I could really need a change now. I have to take the opportunity now, before I get a husband, child and house on my hands! Haha! Don't really see that coming, but you never know. Nothing ties me to Norway right now, exept my friends and family. And I've already moved away from half of them, so I'm getting used to that now.

I can't even describe how insanely amazing it feels to realize my biggest dream! It makes me believe even more in wonders.. ;-) I actually have a good chance of getting in to RSAMD, that's..sick. To think that I waited for so many years, believing that I wouldn't be good enough. And here I am now, shooting for the stars. I love my life. The people that say I'm crazy to believe in my dreams, they are the crazy ones. I am one massive potential waiting to explode! Those of you who want to continue sitting on the bench watching life go by, be my guests. I don't care anymore. Jante's Law was made to be broken. I rock.

This is gonna be one long weekend, but I'll just have to manage somehow. Whatever happens, happens. It's all opportunities anyway.

Have a nice one! :-)

Gospel in my heart

There are no words that can really describe the way it feels to be me these days. It's fantastic!

After my last weekend course in Neuro Training, I went to bed with a peculiar feeling. Something I'd never felt before. It felt like the entire universe was shifting somehow, and my last thought before I fell asleep was something like: "It feels like the whole world has shiftet coordinates, and now everything is different."

It was a profound feeling that from then on, nothing would remain the same. Nothing ever really does, as time goes by, but this was more than that. This really involved EVERYTHING. It was like the axis of the Earth, the universe, my body, soul and mind had shiftet gear somehow. Surely, I've shiftet gear since that day. Suddenly I have all these things to do, all these hobbies, homework from my theatreclass, people to meet, and then there's work and let's not forget to get enough sleep. And maybe do some working out as well? Hah.

The big difference now is, I can handle it. I enjoy it, and I thrive in these conditions. Of course I'm always looking out for that big holiday, but now I can see my goals approaching me. I'm no longer chasing ghosts, I'm arriving exactly where I'm supposed to be! This may all sound a bit strange to some, but remember I've been to the bottom, and now all is grande. I care about everything I see and feel around me, and my emotions are big. I'm glad I'm not a drama queen, even though acting is my big dream. It's the good emotions that are grande, and I only live the "bad ones" when I act or rehearse, or when life is just life. What I am trying to say, is that I feel like I've put on glasses, that enhance not only my sight, but my hearing, speech, and even my ability to FEEL. Everything is written in a big, fat typo. In a good way.

ME, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, "hitting the famous wall", an existential crisis.. whatever my condition really was, or what you want to call it, it can be described as a living hell. Looking back, it feels like I was sedated through many years, and lost more and more of my human nature. It was kind of like living in a haze, not being able to clear the fog or find my way out. When I think of it now, it really feels like it was someone else's life. It just seems so unreal to me. But I guess that's a good sign, that I've moved on from those bad feelings.

Today, I look ahead, and I finally see a future. A big bright one. I don't know where I'll end up in the next couple of years, but I know I will be acting my heart out somewhere. Also, I got an audition for a fantastic theatre school, somewhere overseas, so I'll give it my best shot. No matter what happens there, I know where I need to be, so how I get there doesn't really matter right now. I know I'll get there in time.

Just finished chatting with a friend of mine, that has taken sort of the same road that I chose (willingly, unwillingly, who knows. It's all a mystery to me). She walks the same tracks that I have, but of course does her own thing. I explained to her how I'm feeling nowadays, and she was delighted to get some inspiration from a fellow partner in crime.. As I was writing to her, how I felt about acting, I realized one thing. I wrote: "It feels like I've come home." And it hit me. I burst out in tears, it was like my body and soul knew something I did'nt. That I had been waiting for just that moment, that realization, that sentence to come.

I think this is how it's supposed to be like. That feeling of being home, being in my right element, I've never had that before. Maybe partially at the stables, with the horses,  but I was always a bit scared of my possibilities. So this is the first time I'm really confronting the fears that has surrounded my dreams, doing what I need to, and just grabbing the hell of it. I'm willing to give it my all, and to go to extremes to get there.

'Cause if I don't, I feel like I'm going to die. My soul, my heart, my body, my mind, it will fall to pieces if I don't do what I need to this time. I have to follow my heart, or else life seems meaningless. I think I've used up my share of "not caring", so now everything matters. I just can't get myself to give a damn anymore. I have to get my potential out there, get to know what I'm really capable of, and to take my first footsteps out there in the big world. It's just the way it is. 

I don't think this attitude towards life is guaranteeing me an easy path to heaven, but I'm sure it will be a great one anyways. I only have this life, so I can't just waste it on fears, illusions, problems or regrets. My life is here and now, I'm living my dreams as we speak, and I intend to give it my very best shot. I want to be known as a conquerer of life, someone who gives it my all, who overcomes my fears and loves life.

That's who I'm supposed to be. With a great, big smile on my face.

Jeg er frisk, for faen!

Oh my Gods.

Det gikk liksom akkurat opp for meg nå.

I går avsluttet jeg teaterkurset jeg går på, fremførte min monolog som sinte Roberta til APPLAUS, og så gikk jeg på blind date! Jeg var ute til 0130, drakk en halvliter (!) og snakket fritt og åpent om alt som falt meg inn. Jeg hadde det kjempehyggelig, og jeg har det bra i dag.

Hva faen skjedde?

Hvor ble det av usikre lille Maren, som hele tiden gikk rundt og ventet på neste "angrep", eller symptom om du vil, som hele tiden gikk rundt og mistet stadig mer kontakten med seg selv?

Hun er borte vekk! Og fytti hælvete så bra det føles! Pardon the language. Jeg er bare skikkelig glad. Fortalte litt om min fortid som ME-spøkelse underveis i daten, og det var bare fordi det kom spørsmål om noe som trengte litt mer forklaring. Jeg kunne like gjerne holdt kjeft, men det falt helt naturlig. Jeg har et sinnsykt avslappet forhold til livet mitt nå, klarer å forklare så folk skjønner, er stolt av min egen fremgang og jeg er bevisst mine gode kvaliteter. Det er ikke lenger flaut å være X-ME.

Fordelen med å ha en slik fortid, er jo at når man først er ute av det, så KJENNER man seg selv 110 %. Og jeg er bare totalt for alle former for grensesprengning (innen rimelighetens grenser, selvsagt). Noe som gjør at jeg bare utvikler meg ikke bare med stormskritt, men kvantesprang! Det er helt sykt å tenke på hvordan jeg var som person for bare 1 år siden, eller 2 år siden. Folk hadde ikke kjent meg igjen uten Facebook, for å si det sånn. Kanskje på bilder, men ikke i personlig væremåte.

For de som ikke har erfaring med ME-folk, så er det kanskje vanskelig å se for seg forandringene som tar plass, både på godt og vondt. Det er kanskje enda færre som har erfaring med dem som blir helt frisk, og det ber jeg til gudene om at skal bli mer vanlig enn det førstnevnte.

Jeg har forandret meg omtrent slik siste 10 årene:

fra
UTADVENDT-GLAD-EKSTREMT AKTIV-FRISK-USIKKER
til
INNESLUTTET-DEPRIMERT-EKSTREMT INAKTIV-KONSTANT SYK-EKSTREMT USIKKER
til
UTADVENDT-GLAD-AKTIV-STERK-STADIG MER SIKKER

Jeg må si jeg liker den utviklingen veldig bra! Noen vil mene at jeg burde vært nedturen foruten, men jeg har lært så ufattelig mye. Kommer aldri til å ta noe for gitt igjen, for å si det sånn. Og jeg er bare 25 år! Det vil si at jeg (med min evige optimisme) har 3/4 av livet igjen til å virkelig utnytte livet, leve det og kose meg. Jeg skal nemlig bli  100 :-D

Så nei, jeg kan ikke si at jeg er bitter. Heller ikke lei meg. Jeg er bare glad, for nå har jeg det som plommen i egget. Endelig har jeg selvtilliten til å gjøre de tingene jeg alltid har drømt om. Og jeg erfarer hver eneste dag at det er nettopp de tingene jeg har TALENT til. Sjelen vet best folkens. Selv om man ignorerer den.

Får litt følelsen av at "hei har jeg unormalt mange talenter/sider ved meg, siden det dukker opp noe nytt hele tiden?" noen ganger. Jeg får jo til det aller aller meste jeg prøver på! Og så har jeg gått rundt og latt være å prøve halve livet, fordi jeg var redd for å drite meg ut. Men nei, jeg tror de aller fleste har veldig mye mer potensiale enn de selv tør å tro på.

Jeg holder en knapp på at vi er som isfjell alle sammen. 90 % yet to be discovered.

Det er også helt utrolig å kjenne på min egen evne til å pushe grenser, til å bryte ut av mitt eget skall, og til å konstant hoppe inn i de tingene jeg egentlig vil unngå fordi jeg er redd. Jeg er faen meg min egen beste venn - det tok bare litt tid! Jeg har "hengt litt etter" i utviklingen på mange plan, så da har jeg også muligheten til å utvikle meg i rekordfart. Noe jeg også gjør. A-ha-opplevelsene kommer som markjordbær på et strå her i gården. Det er så deilig å kjenne at jeg BARE GJØR TING. Endelig.

Livet er herlig, dere. Det går tross alt bare fremover, uansett hva man gjør. Nå gjelder det å få mest mulig erfaring innen teater, musikk, tv og livet generelt. Så bærer det avgårde på teaterskole om litt over 1 år :)

Hold on and let go, det er mitt beste råd!

Dancing molecules

Aren't we all..? Linked together in arms of electricity - doing the dance of life.

Sometimes we dance a little off-beat, but we dance none the less.

Leading ourselves and each other into bliss, love, joy and laughter.

Sometimes into hate, fight, depression and slaughter.

But we dance none the less.

Tiny molecules in a big, big universe.                                  

How can we escape?

When we die, we simply evaporate, condense, and erode.

We're not going anywhere, we're still here.

So use this chance to shine.

Light up your space, ignite the spark.

Dance.

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