Jeg er frisk, for faen!

Oh my Gods.

Det gikk liksom akkurat opp for meg nå.

I går avsluttet jeg teaterkurset jeg går på, fremførte min monolog som sinte Roberta til APPLAUS, og så gikk jeg på blind date! Jeg var ute til 0130, drakk en halvliter (!) og snakket fritt og åpent om alt som falt meg inn. Jeg hadde det kjempehyggelig, og jeg har det bra i dag.

Hva faen skjedde?

Hvor ble det av usikre lille Maren, som hele tiden gikk rundt og ventet på neste "angrep", eller symptom om du vil, som hele tiden gikk rundt og mistet stadig mer kontakten med seg selv?

Hun er borte vekk! Og fytti hælvete så bra det føles! Pardon the language. Jeg er bare skikkelig glad. Fortalte litt om min fortid som ME-spøkelse underveis i daten, og det var bare fordi det kom spørsmål om noe som trengte litt mer forklaring. Jeg kunne like gjerne holdt kjeft, men det falt helt naturlig. Jeg har et sinnsykt avslappet forhold til livet mitt nå, klarer å forklare så folk skjønner, er stolt av min egen fremgang og jeg er bevisst mine gode kvaliteter. Det er ikke lenger flaut å være X-ME.

Fordelen med å ha en slik fortid, er jo at når man først er ute av det, så KJENNER man seg selv 110 %. Og jeg er bare totalt for alle former for grensesprengning (innen rimelighetens grenser, selvsagt). Noe som gjør at jeg bare utvikler meg ikke bare med stormskritt, men kvantesprang! Det er helt sykt å tenke på hvordan jeg var som person for bare 1 år siden, eller 2 år siden. Folk hadde ikke kjent meg igjen uten Facebook, for å si det sånn. Kanskje på bilder, men ikke i personlig væremåte.

For de som ikke har erfaring med ME-folk, så er det kanskje vanskelig å se for seg forandringene som tar plass, både på godt og vondt. Det er kanskje enda færre som har erfaring med dem som blir helt frisk, og det ber jeg til gudene om at skal bli mer vanlig enn det førstnevnte.

Jeg har forandret meg omtrent slik siste 10 årene:

fra
UTADVENDT-GLAD-EKSTREMT AKTIV-FRISK-USIKKER
til
INNESLUTTET-DEPRIMERT-EKSTREMT INAKTIV-KONSTANT SYK-EKSTREMT USIKKER
til
UTADVENDT-GLAD-AKTIV-STERK-STADIG MER SIKKER

Jeg må si jeg liker den utviklingen veldig bra! Noen vil mene at jeg burde vært nedturen foruten, men jeg har lært så ufattelig mye. Kommer aldri til å ta noe for gitt igjen, for å si det sånn. Og jeg er bare 25 år! Det vil si at jeg (med min evige optimisme) har 3/4 av livet igjen til å virkelig utnytte livet, leve det og kose meg. Jeg skal nemlig bli  100 :-D

Så nei, jeg kan ikke si at jeg er bitter. Heller ikke lei meg. Jeg er bare glad, for nå har jeg det som plommen i egget. Endelig har jeg selvtilliten til å gjøre de tingene jeg alltid har drømt om. Og jeg erfarer hver eneste dag at det er nettopp de tingene jeg har TALENT til. Sjelen vet best folkens. Selv om man ignorerer den.

Får litt følelsen av at "hei har jeg unormalt mange talenter/sider ved meg, siden det dukker opp noe nytt hele tiden?" noen ganger. Jeg får jo til det aller aller meste jeg prøver på! Og så har jeg gått rundt og latt være å prøve halve livet, fordi jeg var redd for å drite meg ut. Men nei, jeg tror de aller fleste har veldig mye mer potensiale enn de selv tør å tro på.

Jeg holder en knapp på at vi er som isfjell alle sammen. 90 % yet to be discovered.

Det er også helt utrolig å kjenne på min egen evne til å pushe grenser, til å bryte ut av mitt eget skall, og til å konstant hoppe inn i de tingene jeg egentlig vil unngå fordi jeg er redd. Jeg er faen meg min egen beste venn - det tok bare litt tid! Jeg har "hengt litt etter" i utviklingen på mange plan, så da har jeg også muligheten til å utvikle meg i rekordfart. Noe jeg også gjør. A-ha-opplevelsene kommer som markjordbær på et strå her i gården. Det er så deilig å kjenne at jeg BARE GJØR TING. Endelig.

Livet er herlig, dere. Det går tross alt bare fremover, uansett hva man gjør. Nå gjelder det å få mest mulig erfaring innen teater, musikk, tv og livet generelt. Så bærer det avgårde på teaterskole om litt over 1 år :)

Hold on and let go, det er mitt beste råd!

Dancing molecules

Aren't we all..? Linked together in arms of electricity - doing the dance of life.

Sometimes we dance a little off-beat, but we dance none the less.

Leading ourselves and each other into bliss, love, joy and laughter.

Sometimes into hate, fight, depression and slaughter.

But we dance none the less.

Tiny molecules in a big, big universe.                                  

How can we escape?

When we die, we simply evaporate, condense, and erode.

We're not going anywhere, we're still here.

So use this chance to shine.

Light up your space, ignite the spark.

Dance.

http://weheartit.com/entry/7285072

My little pony...

Makes my day! Even on monday, when I got jumped by the flu', Karisma managed to make me laugh my heart out. She's a funny, little horse. And it's great to see how her "personality" (horsonality?) unfolds as I get to know her. She has her weird little habits, as do I, and she is really affectionate. She is respecful towards me (at least when I'm on the ground), as I treat her with utter respect my self. Like all other living things.

Today I woke up late, and as I tried to shake off my fever, I noticed one of my green plants on my bedroom had gone partially yellow. I felt really bad! My conscience doesn't allow me to forget even a little plant, so my waterbottle and I jumped to the resque. Literally jumping out of that fever. Nothing like a little guilt to make you wake up faster. Anyways, now it smells like dirt and forest in my room. Guess that's a good sign.

I also got some really good advice for my trip to Greenland, by someone who's actually from there. And a former coworker has made that exact trip he suggested, so I got to see some pictures on Facebook as well. That is the perfect trip! 14 days or less in the rocky mountains on Greenland's coast...I'll have to bring some company though. Either that, or I have to learn how to use a map and a compass, use a stove, put up a tent, perform first aid on my self, and manouver a GPS. Luckily I have a friend who's a former girl scout. Hope I manage to persuade her to accompany me! She is like Lars Monsen in the woods. At least compared to me, haha. But seriously, I'm not that incapable. I can manage. And I don't plan on going alone! So I'll just have to scare up somebody. I actually had a potentially partner in crime, but she went off and got pregnant on me. So I guess she's out ;)

I have so many thoughts and questions about the Greenlandic way of life. Wish I had more than 2 weeks to go there... I read about an orphanage there once, I would really like to go there as well. I want to do something like Jeevani did for the children in Estonia, something that actually matters to someone else. It can be so easy to do, but it can have such an impact on those involved. She engaged some friends, and collected an entire truckload of winter clothing and toys for the children at an orphanage there. That matters. Just DOING something for someone.

Sometimes I feel like we just live in our own little bubble here. My life hasn't been easy in many years (until now), but still I feel incredible lucky compared to people other places on this earth. Let me take you through all the clichés that are all true:

I have a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.
I have food to cover (almost) every meal.
I have a family that loves me and supports me in every way possible.
I have friends that do the same.
I have an education (one of which I don't use), and more one on the way.
I have a job that pays all my bills.
I have a closet full of clothes I seldom wear.
I have several hobbies, all of which I pay for.
I have the luxury of taking various kinds of courses, both for my education and for fun.
I have clean water in my house.
I am planning a trip to another country, that will for sure cost me, but still for my own pleasure/development.
I can plan such trips just because.
If I ever end up on the street, I can move back in with my parents. Not an option for everyone.
I have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
I eat "superfoods" in addition to regular foods, because I can pay for them.
I pay to work out.
I get to ride the bus/tram/subway/train everywhere I want to go.

And you know what? I SO APPRECIATE ALL OF IT! Many of these things have been things I have had to work hard to attain, but I still get them a lot easier than people other places in the world.

That kind of forces me to give something to other people/animals. I can, therefore I have to. Otherwise I would just feel like a spoiled brat. My conscience constantly forces me to reevaluate my view on the world. So I force my self to make a change, make a difference. Maybe I could do more than I already do, but then I'll just have to work on it. In the mean time, I cover my surroundings with a little love, joy and me.

That's what I've got.

Step it up...

"Buy it, use it, break it, fix it,
Trash it, change it, mail - upgrade it,
Charge it, pawn it, zoom it, press it,
Snap it, work it, quick - erase it,
Write it, cut it, paste it, save it,
Load it, check it, quick - rewrite it,
Plug it, play it, burn it, rip it,
Drag and drop it, zip - unzip it,
Lock it, fill it, call it, find it,
View it, code it, jam - unlock it,
Surf it, scroll it, pause it, click it,
Cross it, crack it, switch - update it,
Name it, rate it, tune it, print it,
Scan it, send it, fax - rename it,
Touch it, bring it, Pay it, watch it,
Turn it, leave it, start - format it."
# From Daft Punk's "Technologic" #

"Work It Harder Make It Better
Do It Faster, Makes Us stronger
More Than Ever Hour After
Our Work Is Never Over "

# From Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger" #

Is that what I've been doing all these years? Feels like it. Today I ran 40 minutes in the snow, as if just to prove that I could. I ask my self that question quite a often. Do I have something to prove? Is that why I strive so hard to break my own limits? Is that why I jump into unknown territory and improvise all the time nowadays? Is that why I have a mental list over things I'm afraid of, that I try to do one at a time?
I think so. I have a lot to prove. To my self the most, but also to the rest of the world. Sometimes it feels like a curse that came with the badge 8 years ago. A label that said: "You obviously don't know how to live in a fashion that you can sustain, therefore you have to prove that you deserve it." Or something. I don't know. But as a former trainwreck, now a "returnee", as they say in "The 4400", I have to prove I can. I have to prove that I am capable of doing not only the things other people do, but the things they dream of doing.

I wake up in the morning thinking that "today I have to DO something". If I end up doing nothing that day, I feel like I wasted it. One more day in the trash. Luckily I am very observant, also of my self, so I know that this is something I have to work on. After losing so many days and years, I tend to feel guilty when I don't use time "wisely". What that means, I haven't figured out yet. But I'm working on it. It helps finding new things, hobbies and people I like spending time with. Then it never feels like a waste. It's when I'm on my own, doing nothing, I feel like a failure. Because I feel like I've done nothing but that over the years.

Of course, if I really think about it, I know that I have done a lot. I have made my way out of a disease, a condition, that no one had a cure for. I endured it, found a way out, and I have a life I love now. There wasn't a day that went by, that I did'nt look for an emergency exit. I still look over my shoulder sometimes. But that's only because I start wonder if this is a dream. My life is easy now. Compared to what has been, it feels easy. If I get tense, I just lower my shoulders and take a deep breath. If I get scared, I do the same. It works on most things when I think of it. Relaxation is the key to all fracking things. Lol. If someone had just told me that when I was younger..!

Well. I have started planning a trip to Greenland this summer/fall. At the moment I am going alone, but if someone wants to join they are more than welcome! Haha... I haven't been anywhere else than Norway, Sweden and Denmark and I am planning camping in the wild in Greenland. I'll have to learn how to put up a tent then. I really want to see Paradise Valley, but there are a lot of places I want to go there. So we'll se where I end up in the end.

Paradise Valley - http://www.flickr.com/photos/jakerollo/4363524046/in/set-72157622396013091/

 As for my acting career, it is finally starting to exist! Improvising really is something for me. And so far I've just worked with my character Roberta, and only improvised her, but it is MUCH easier than I thought it would be. When you have a calling in your gut, you follow that dream no matter what. But you can't really know if you're any good until you try it. And I proclaimed my newfound dream to almost everyone, so it would be really embarrasing if I sucked at it. But so far people are impressed, so I guess this may really be my calling. I will be applying for several schools this month, but I'm not sure yet if I want to start this fall, or spend the next year travelling and gaining life experience outside my own little bubble...

I have so much to do. There are so many things that I've fallen behind with, and all I want to do is try everything. Especially the things I think I suck at. A lot of those things have turned out to be things I am good at, so I can't let fear get the best of me. The latest thing that has happened to me, is this new desire to be outdoors. I want to see the world, starting with nature. Weekends in big cities doesn't really appeal to me right now, I'd rather spend a week in the wilderness alone. So, Greenland seems like my kind of place. When winter comes, I can go there one more time, and trade the walking and MTB'ing with skiing.

I notice that my working out is a lot easier these days as well. I don't have to have as many breaks as before, and I don't feel like it's going to get interrupted by injuries or fatigue etiher. And I can double my pushups, all the sudden! Oh the joy. I suspect my eating has something to do with that. I have been eating more than before, my appetite is good, and I've added some socalled "superfoods" that may seem to make a difference. I am skeptical to a lot of those things, but I have come to like some of them. The things that I use right now, in addition to regular foods, is a heavy dosis of omega-3, spirulina, wheatgrass, bee pollen, "Immiflex" and chalsium for my bones.

I can say that the omega-3 really makes my head work faster, and research shows that the degeneration of cells in ME-patients is similar to a lot of other degenerating conditions. It's quite logical, actually. The reseptors in your brain shut down when under stress, like all other "unnecessary" things in your body, and over time things all over stop working. But the good news is, they start working again when you get better! And taking extra omega-3 makes those braincells (among others) work a little faster each day. So eat that bread with maquerel with a good conciousness!

Okey, that was today's thoughts on this subject. I'm halfway through the second season of "Battlestar Galactica", and I have to finish the last episode on this disc. Tomorrow's a brand new day, and I am going to enjoy it! I am going for a run tomorrow as well, then maybe a little bit of yoga on Elixia. And then some more episodes of this fantastic drama/sci-fi series, before I end the day with 2 of my awesome brothers :-D

Life is worth all the ordeals of my past. That is a fact, and I know it. I love my life! <3

A souls' cry



 Have you ever felt your soul cry?

Opened your eyes and seen nothing but darkness? Felt your very being screaming out for help, as if the universe would help you when you wouldn't even help yourself? Trying to, but not quite doing it. Your soul knows everything, feels everything. When you work against it, rather then helping it, you destroy the very essence of your self. And then the deepest possibly part of your self cries out for help.

A while ago I listened to Lissie's "Everywhere I go", and one black day came to my memory. One day some years ago, when I was still in battle with life it self. Actually the same day I met the man who was to be catalyst to some of my best/worst changes, one of my happier days back then. And that special day, I attended the last part of "Touch 4 Health" in Oslo. We were dealing with the five elements, and how the emotions related to that particular system.

According to the testing we did on each other, we were to end up with some sort of outlet for a particular emotion. I hoped for singing, because that I knew I could do. Of course I ended up with screaming. A scream. I NEVER screamed at anyone or anything. I rarely expressed my emotions in any other way than smiling and silent tears at night. So I freaked out.

Me and my partner on that day found ourselves a quiet classroom, and began to figure this out. She ended up with singing, which I wanted, and that was HER biggest fear. She never sang. I actually can't remember who went first, but I think it may have been me. I knelt on a bench, and became totally silent. I couldn't make a sound. My partner tried to cheer me along, pissing me off, screaming herself... she was a very good partner when I think of it. I took me quite a bit of time, but eventually I got tired of the silence and jumped off that cliff.

The idea of expressing my feelings out loud, screaming out my sorrow and pain, that was more terrifying to me than to jump out of a plane with no parachute. It was a real obstacle. I had hidden my dark sides for so long, only letting out a few complaints now and then. The darkness inside of me I had shown to none. No one really knew. Not until the last year I've really shared how it felt back then.

I opened my mouth, and started using my lungs for the first time in many years. The sound was like nothing I had heard coming out of my mouth before. Dark, desperate, sad, angry, it was a real roar from within. It came from a very dark place. I don't know how long I screamed, but I didn't stop until my voice was gone. Sank down on the bench and gasped for air like a fish on land. And then the look from my partner. She was in tears over my very personal emotional outlet. She said she'd never heard anything like it. That it was a desperate cry from the gut. And that I probably needed it... She was right about that!

To think that something as simple as a scream was so frightening to me, I must have been much more tied down than I can remember. Most of those years are gone, like in a mist, and I try to avoid getting to much into those feelings again. Not suppressing, I've stopped with that. But I know what is healthy and what is not. And now that I am strong again, I can focuse on the good things that came out of it. It was a really shitty condition to live with, but it has made me stronger than I ever was before. The long and hard way out was my journey towards a way of living that I can sustain for the rest of my life. Life support. Instead of breaking down. And the journey continues forever. I rediscover parts of my forgotten self every day. And I discover new parts just as often.

This is my life, and I love it. I went through hell for a while, but who doesn't? It's just life. Really. It's not like someone ever promised me it would be easy. I got a second chance, and I will honour that for all my years to come. By receiving thankfully, giving selflessly, and by becoming the best that I can be. That is my thanking gift.

In the midst of things, I still kept my smile :)

To the people I love...

I would like to thank you for being there for me whenever I needed you. And for still being here. You have seen me go through a lot of changes, good and bad, and it is finally clear to me that the outcome is good.

I can feel my heart beat. I can scream my lungs out. I can read both on and in between the lines. I can reflect on my life and still feel good. Acknowledge the fact that I am no longer holding on to it, but living it. My eyes may have taken some damage along the way, but the fact that I now wear glasses, does not mean that I am not seeing things clearly. I am, more than ever actually.

I hold a special place in my heart to the people that were kind enough to let me go, wheter or not it happened with their intention of doing so. I have loved you once, and learned a lot from you. There is no "wrong time". There is just time. So if you, like me, got hurt on some oocasions, be grateful that you did. I am not saying we should embrace only sad things, we should embrace everything. Might be a well used cliché, but it is true. Everything happens for a reason.

Take me for instance. I used to tread water. Now I swim for fun. But I know that I owe that to my life. All the things that has happened, good and bad. And from where I stand today, I cannot really say that I have made many mistakes. I have made choices.

So, to all the boys that broke my heart and nearly crushed my will to live, for various amounts of time. I owe a little of my life today to you. I want to thank you for loving me, and for letting me go at just the right time. Today I love my self more than I ever loved one of you, and for that, I needed you. You made me stronger, wiser, and helped me learn how to swim.

And to the boys that I myself broke the hearts of, I am sorry. But I cannot say that I regret. Because I ended up here, today. And I am in a thankful place, with a strong heart and a body that cooperates with my mind. I listen to my own voice, follow my own heart, and I can finally breathe again.

I am now being honest to my self. In order to do that, I have to be honest to my heart. I have dug layers of crap on the way down to my heart. It has been covered by lies, misconception and sorrow for a long time. Now, it unravels to me in all it's beauty. Every day I wake up and become a little lighter. Each night I go to sleep a bit easier.

I never knew it would be so difficult to live this life. But since it has been just that, I have come to appreciate it more. I am so happy that I get to live and tell, and to skyrocket my soul even higher. To some, I am sure it may appear like I have my head in the clouds, but acually I am more grounded than ever. I know what is important to ME. That is what i call key knowledge in this life I live. Until you learn that, nothing else can really matter. Or it may matter too much.

Word of advice: Stick with yourself, be your own best friend, and act in ways you can stand for. You cannot change life with someone, nor your body, so deal with it the best possible way. Give yourself a hug and excel. I know I don't want to have regrets when my time comes, so I will try to live it every day. Do you want to lose time, or spend time?

2011.words.

.balance .love .serenity .joy .power .acting .hope .achievements .desire .air .dive .float .speak .enjoy .see .listen .express .commit .do .be .laughter .sunshine .soulful .singing .dancing .willingly .respect .change .smoothly .escape .comeback .inspire .classic .new .movement .stagefighting .lovemaking .dreams .always .never .healthy .business .crush .overcome .image .spirit .up .forward .trickster .wanting .more .shakespeare .candlelights .garden .ricelamps .wind .breathe .feel .devour .scream .light .meaning .shock .craving .buddha .chocolate .fog .coffee .blinking .raindrop .look .take .share .give .make .happy .receive .yo .fantastic .silver .mirror .pictures .france .l'amour .orange .flowers .blueskies .pour .heavy .feather .fireplace .cocoa .organize .structure .freedom .fly .blossom .sleep .awaken .peace .savour .lust .charcoal .purple .paint .save .rid .horses .britain .atlantis .bergen .fur .marshmallows .memorize .swim .camp .throw .cat .draw .fence .ride .live